Universal Lesson: The Universe will always conspire to lead you toward solutions of the highest good when you open up to receive them.

So here I go walking around San Francisco, manifesting. With an upturned corner of my lip and lowered eyebrows. Peering through my upper lashes wondering, why the hell I’m not attracting the right one? Hi my name is J (Hiiii, J) and I’ve been dating-app-sober for four weeks. Mean-muggin’ errrr’ day.

I’m reading a book called The Universe Has Your Back by Gabby Bernstein (above quote). As the book title implies, the Universe had my back and came at a great time. I’ve been feeling kind of meh in all departments of life – having not had the best week coupled with the uncertainty that comes with living in the same city for seven years, I’m starting to wonder if it’s time to wander.

The big question I keep coming back to is am I running toward or running from? Is me wondering what’s next a progressive next step in my life to keep pushing forward, find a new adventure, mix things up and create new? Or is it running from the familiar and even some pain? Is a routine, a life, a solid group of friends and a great home something to really up-and-leave?

Alright, I’ll stop with the rhetorical questions. When my mind is spinning and processing, there really is only one solution. Call mom. And then watch this (Spoiler Alert: Hedgehogs always win. Always.) And trust me, I’m a tough case to crack when I’m a mood.

So it goes something like this:
Me: What the f*ck, Universe – why aren’t things happening? Can I move to France already?
Universe: Guuurrl, you got some work to do…
Me: What do you mean?! I’m tooottally approachable. These assholes just don’t have the balls to come and ask me out.
Universe: Check yo’self before your wreck yo’self, J – you’ve got to put out there what you want to get back. Step into the person you want to be, every single moment, and choose joy and love over fear.
Me: When did you get to be so smart?

I’ve been hurt. By elementary school friends, college friends, adult relationships. I grow fearful that the issue is me – that there’s something that just not enough for those people in my life to have decided that I didn’t get to come along for the ride. Maybe I haven’t fully recovered from that and it doesn’t seem to help my healing when it seems to only happen again.

As Gabby discusses, we do things either out of fear or love. But what if I am fearful of love?

I won’t start talking of walls being built as that’s a sore subject right now (don’t even get me started) but I’m really working to break down these walls and choose joy and love over fear. It’s an active choice and commitment to myself and my way of being every single day and I’m starting with a daily five-minute meditation. So there’s my accountability plug.

Real talk, life is good. And when I’m not PMSing, it’s even fantastic. Fast-approaching 30, shit is gettin’ real and I’m a bit scared, sad, excited. I’m scared that I won’t find a partner to share my life with, I’m sad that I thought I had it and it didn’t work, and I’m super excited for the possibility. I just need to be in that excitement more. Back to the book, I need to change the language around what I want for my life. Talk about it as if it’s moments away from happening. Speak to myself and others with compassion by being fully present and saying yes to new adventures and the ones that I get to be apart of every single day.

And hedgehogs. More and more hedgehogs.