Well, friends. Happy 2020.5 also known as 2021. Okay, harsh. But really, Happy New Year and I’m sorry (mostly to myself) for being away for so long. It’s no secret that 2020 brought its share of challenges and my inspiration to spend time on a computer in the evenings writing after hours of emails and blue light has waned. Nothing like getting a reminder that your domain is renewing to realize ya better use them dollas! So here we go, now living with two 20-somethings in a house that currently smells of a combination of middle-eastern spices and like an older gentleman farted in a yoga studio since one roomie decided sage was all the rage. Hippie hummus vibes aside…here we go…

I was listening to the Dateable Podcast, hosted by two wonderfully raw and humorous women who are friends of a dear friend of mine. The episodes that hit home recently as I listened and walked along the (still, thankfully) closed Great Highway were about trusting your timing and small gestures that speak volumes in not just dating but in any relationship. They cited Trevor Noah who eloquently stated that though he may be single, he feels ‘successful’ in his love love having felt deep love and connection. If that was the yard-stick for a successful love life, I’d consider myself pretty lucky as well and I don’t take this for granted. I’ve already had a few great loves of my life who have shown me the depths of their heart and cracked me open with a smile, a sparkly eye, a phrase, a gesture.

Something I’ve come to know about myself is that I love with my whole heart. And yes, that makes heartbreak so much more painful but I wouldn’t change a damn thing. I’ve also been loved just as deeply and friends, there is no better feeling. I hold onto those little moments, the ‘small’ gestures that I still think about to this day and serve as a gold standard for how I know love can feel.

I allow myself more solo time these days that I ever have and it gives me space to reflect, smile, maybe even cry a little bit. On a recent solo hike, coming down from the summit at 2,000 feet, an older couple was stepping up the rocks in full-on Sunday-best attire, holding hands with one hand and their hat with the other. Passing them, I squeezed in a “good morning” before the clock ticked noon and they responded with a bright “G’day!”

I was transported right back to Westward Ho! where the town has an actual exclamation mark in its name and if that doesn’t say charming as f*ck, I don’t know what does. I was traveling first to Denmark to visit friends and the furniture mecca, then to England for a Uni reunion before training west to meet my then boyfriend’s family. To this day, it is one of the best trips of my life and even reminiscing on it now, it fills my heart right up. Every moment of that trip had meaning, connection, butterflies. On the final leg of my abbreviated Euro-tour, I rode the train from London out to the English coast, shakily holding a bouquet I picked out from a boutique on the train platform. A woman on the train told me the flowers looked lovely and it quelled my perspiring palms until the train rolled into the station. My boyfriend at the time was parked in the middle of two rows of cars waving large from the left side of the car with that infamous smile you could see a mile (kilometer, now that we’re in England) off. After the introductions and bouquet hand-off back at his parent’s home, we promptly made our way out to The Royal George, the most quaint and picturesque coastal pub I’ve ever been to. Walking around Appledore’s Boatyard, he grabbed my hand and looked me square in the eye and said “I’m so glad you’re here”.

In that moment and even to this day, there are few places I’d rather be.

It reminded me that in all the relationships I’ve been in, it’s moments like these that stand out to me. The little gestures, sayings, moments that show a person’s soul and heart. He got to me. He still does. Even though we’re no longer together, he’ll always hold a very special place in my heart. And I’m lucky.

I hold on to that story, that moment, that relationship not because I’m stuck in the past but this relationship propelled me forward. I am forever thankful for the joy, laughter, downright silliness and love that we were enraptured in because it showed me what that kind of love feels like. It brought me back to myself having been a bit lost and it was beautifully effortless to love so hard.

As we move into a New Year, so many people talk about never looking back but I think there are some nuggets of insights in doing so. It’s important to know where we’re coming from so we can move forward. Sometimes it’s helpful for us to look back to remember times when we felt like our whole selves to know we have it within us all the time. Looking forward in a new year, I want to be with what is. Find more presence in what I’m doing, who I’m with and really tuning into my surroundings. Letting go of the things that don’t matter and finding more joy in things like ships at low tide in Appledore. If 2020 was all about surviving, 2021 for me is about thriving.

2021, I’m so glad you’re here.