I’m sitting in the same University of California, Berkeley Student Union that I nervously gathered in as a senior in High School. Today, I am managing a furniture installation. Then, I was representing China at the Model United Nations Conference and I was the age of the student I’m now sharing a table with. That’s fine, I don’t feel old or anything…

What’s amazing and maybe not so surprising is that I’ve been wildly productive on campus today. I have been able to get a ton of work done and attend to some outstanding personal matters via email. Maybe it’s the glow of the Apple icons all around me or the Nitro Cold Brew (wtf?!) that I’m too-rapidly sipping away at. As the student behind the Equator Coffee bar said, “It’s like a Guinness”. Thanks college kid. You would know.

The student in me wants to stay here forever – bypass the Trump booth and head right into the coffee culture of downtown Berkeley. The San Francisco dweller in me wants to go to Alice Water’s Chez Panisse and treat myself to the tasting menu – just to make me feel cool in my adultness.

Then there’s the 18-year old me. Who won a gavel at a national MUN conference with her partner and mad-crush at the time. The 27-year old me also walked these parts – with my ex, going to meet his cousin for dinner off of Shattuck. This was the me now madly in love but knowing it couldn’t be forever. A mixture of emotions as I sit here 11 years and 2 years later respectively. The lessons I’ve since learned reverberate down tree-lined streets I never spent more than a long weekend in. What it feels like to be in love. What unrequited love feels like. Mutual, whole-hearted, passionate love. And the hardest lesson of all – what it feels like when love isn’t enough.

It also brings up feelings about doubt, fear, second-guessing. Even as I write this I wonder did I really know what was best for me at age 18? But how do we ever really know what’s best for us in the moment? All we can do is make the best decision we can in the moment, with what we are given, and what we know. At age 18, I wanted to be a graphic designer. This influenced my college application and the school I chose to go to. At age 18, that was enough – it had to be. For the good part of my first year at school  – I questioned if I had made the right choice – if this was the right fit, would I find my life partner, my best friends here? So much what if and would it be better ifs.

What’s funny is that in love, in true love, I haven’t questioned myself. I’ve flown to New York City at age 18 to find out if there was a spark there. Across planes, trains and automobiles (literally) – I just had to know. And I never regretted it. In fact, as hurtful as it was, I gained the clarity I needed by taking that leap.

At age 25, I moved-in with my then boyfriend. I moved out of my studio, a place I had created as my own home and established true independence, into the unknown. I shed a few tears as I picked up a hanger and some loose change from the straightener-burned low-pile carpet. It was my burned carpet and I was going to miss the hell out of it. But this was the next step and again, I leaped in.

These experiences were so incredibly valuable in teaching me what it feels like to be sure, even if it’s just for a little while. It feels good to know – whether the truth lets you down or sets you free.

Back on the market, this truth and “knowing” comes quickly. Maybe too quickly but maybe that’s okay. My question for myself and for those who wish to answer is – so what now. So I meet someone I’m interested in, out in the wild, without the help of a smart-whatever. We meet, we smile, we laugh – am I too eager if I ask him out? Am I too-old fashioned to wait for him to ask me? Do we do the social media thing and follow/friend/tweet/post/poke one another? Play it cool and wait it out at the risk of the opportunity passing? See, friends? What’s a girl gotta do to make her interest known in a way that’s just right?

Here’s my tactic for now – subject to change:
First and foremost, be myself. My mom’s voice is heavily in my head at this point but damn, the woman knows her stuff. Be patient, be open, be gently assertive.

Feel free to weigh in and help a sista out. For now, any walls that were built have to come down – and like the kid sharing my table said when finding the last available outlet for his laptop charger, “we own these walls”. I’m not quite sure what he meant but it totally became the theme of this post. Kid, you’re alright.