To be entirely honest, I have a lot on my mind. I went for a walk along the bay, laughed at some quirky ornaments, drank some chamomile tea and still feel like my thoughts and emotions are racing.

On said walk, I passed a guy I have been chatting with on happn. Yes, that’s right folks, a real human encounter, crossing paths in the real world, outside of the app the told us we crossed paths. Don’t need you, happn.

I realized it a bit late and by the time I thought to do a double-take, he had already rounded the corner (okay, you caught me, it was a straight path – but it was still too late).

I messaged him and found myself pre-occupied (more chamomile tea please!) over the response. Did he also want to acknowledge my 3-D existence? Did he like what he saw? Did he not even have a clue?

I have to say, I like what little I know about this guy. In one of his photos, he’s typing away on a laptop near a poop-emoji pillow. He warms about fancy dinners and new places, coffee on a Saturday and just looks freaking cool.

Guys, go out a buy a poop pillow, enjoy bike rides to the beach, rooftop wine drinking and cooking. You’ll have at least one girl that’s into it.

So now that we’re clear on what works, here is what does not:
1. No tigers. Please. I get that you’re adventurous, know most women have a soft-spot and a Pinterest board for baby animals but find something more original. A baby meer kat. Baby porcupine. Baby anything-but-a-tiger.
2. No photos of you giving a motivational speech. This is not attractive as you’re usually spewing saliva on table #9. Exception: Best Man speeches in which case, hot.
3. Arms out, head back, in front of some sort of wonder of nature. Cool, bro. Are you trying to show me you’re God-like? You can come down off of that high horse now.
4. You with a bunch of your friends. Which one are you?! With a name like Dan, this doesn’t narrow it down.
5. You with two blonde bombshells beside you. Um, you do know this is a dating app, right?
6. Picture with a baby with a caption “not my baby”. Whoa, calm down, Dan. I didn’t even make that assumption but now that that’s out of the way, coffee? Exception: telling us who the baby is because awwwwww.
7. Five pictures of your back. You looking at a sunrise, maybe a tiger. A baby? Not yours, got it.

I think that’s a good start. Can you tell I’ve had it about up to here (motions at neck) with the whole app dating thing. Where’s the originality, the genuine photos, the poop emoji plush toys?

C’mon, guys. What’s a girl ‘gotta do to see some 1″ x 1″ potential?